The discovery that Kusunoki-san and I unexpectedly had something in common made our conversation much livelier than I had anticipated, and I think I was able to get to know both of them quite well. However, Yuzuki-san wasn’t able to keep up with our talk about the internet game and was now slightly sulking…
Unexpectedly, Kusunoki-san had been playing internet games since elementary school, and her total time playing the game was even longer than mine, since I had retired from gaming when I entered university. However, perhaps due to her diligent nature, she was more of a light user, only playing for about an hour a day, which made me realize that I was at a much higher level than her. It made me reflect on my past gaming habits.
I was surprised to learn that she had been playing games since elementary school, but I’ve actually heard of players like that when I was still active in the game. Some of them were even among the players I was close to. Thinking about it now brings back a sense of nostalgia.
There was a newbie I happened to meet back then, and as I taught him various things, we became friends. I initially thought he was around my age or older, as he was very polite, always using honorifics while we chatted. He seemed like a smart guy with a good memory and a sharp mind, so I was genuinely surprised when he told me he was only 11 years old.
I remember that when I was retiring from the game, he was very supportive, even though I was essentially saying goodbye. I wonder how he’s doing now. Is he still playing the game, or has he already retired like me? Even though we were close, our relationship was just online, and I have no way of confirming how he’s doing. But I do hope he’s doing well.
As I was thinking about that, I realized it was almost time for the date to change. Since we’re going to the temple tomorrow, I decided to stop reminiscing about past memories and switched my focus, then went to bed.
I was born into a privileged family and lived in a privileged environment—at least, that’s how the world sees me.
I may have been fortunate to be the only daughter of the Kusunoki Group, the owner of a large company, and I was given many things from a young age. But for me, the environment at home was never comfortable.
I was taught more lessons than I can count, and while other children my age were playing outside, I was confined to my home, constantly studying.
More than anything, those eyes that looked at me and those overly affectionate smiles they gave me… I hated them deeply.
No one was truly looking at me. They didn’t see me—they saw only the “daughter of the Kusunoki family.” And no matter how much I hated it, there was nothing I could do about it.
Even though I had plenty of things, freedom was something I couldn’t acquire within my metaphorical birdcage—the environment I thought I was stuck in.
To escape, I started playing online games as a brief respite from those days. It was just a short 30 minutes to an hour, squeezed in before finishing my lessons, eating dinner, taking a bath, and going to bed. I chose to spend that precious free time on games because I was drawn to their catchphrase: “The place where you can be your ideal self.”
Conscious of the phrase “a self that isn’t yours,” I created a male character and began playing the game. But to be honest, I didn’t know what to do at first. I couldn’t even enjoy it, as it was my first time playing this kind of game, let alone an online one.
Even the help section on the official site wasn’t very clear. It was filled with technical jargon, and in-game chats were rife with incomprehensible conversations. Of course, there was no one I could ask for help, so I found myself lost in the town where I had started.
And that was when I met “that person.”
That person, clad in strong-looking equipment, approached me when I was struggling and took good care of me, a complete newbie to both internet games and chatting.
He gently and patiently guided me not only through the game but also helped me understand the technical terms and unspoken rules of the online world. Even though I was slow at typing my responses, he made sure I could play the game properly and enjoy it.
Once I got used to it, I really enjoyed playing online games. Nobody saw me as the daughter of the Kusunoki family, but as myself, which made the young me very happy. I looked forward to those short moments of relaxation each day more than anything else.
Especially that guy who had taught me so much in the beginning. Since I didn’t like the idea of my levels being boosted like that, he went ahead and created a new low-level character to match mine. We always played together in a fair party, where our levels were even.
He’d pick me up when I logged in, take me to various hunting grounds without complaining about my poor skills or lack of knowledge, and listen patiently as I chatted and complained about all sorts of trivial things.
…I enjoyed my time with that person the most. He was kind and dependable, yet somehow laid-back and relaxed. I felt at ease just being around him. Having no siblings, I thought this might be what it feels like to have an older brother.
Looking back now, that must have been when I first experienced love.
If I had to confess, my state of mind during those online gaming sessions was more about meeting that person than about playing the game itself. Though, at the time, I didn’t really understand what love was. All I wanted was to play with that kind older brother…
It may sound strange to say I was in love with someone whose face and name I didn’t even know, but looking back, my ideal love interest was a kind, dependable older man… In short, someone like him. I think there’s probably no doubt about it.
At any rate, for the me at that time, talking to him was undoubtedly the most enjoyable and happiest time I had.
However, those happy times came to an abrupt end. When he told me that he was retiring for real-life reasons, I was so shocked that my mind went blank.
I didn’t want to be selfish or bother him, so I offered him words of encouragement, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t want him to quit. I wanted him to stay forever.
But time passed, and before I could say anything, he disappeared from the online game world in the spring, three years ago.
On the day he last connected, I stayed up late for the first time in my life. I wanted to talk to him for as long as possible…
He also said goodbye to me and gave me some of the expensive equipment and items I had been using. These items were so rare that it felt like a dream come true to receive them at that time, but I wasn’t happy in the least bit. I was just sad.
I cried as I stared at the screen of the game, now empty without him. I finally realized how important he had been to me, and at the same time, I regretted not knowing more about him, even though he had listened to me so many times.
Maybe it’s because I’m in high school now and have a better understanding of what I need for my future, or maybe it’s because I’ve been able to maintain my grades—though that’s a bit of a roundabout way of saying I’m a good student—but the number of lessons I’m taking has decreased, and my parents don’t put many restrictions on me anymore. I have more free time now to focus on my club activities.
Starting with Hina-chan, I’ve made a lot of people I can call my friends, and I can honestly say my days have been fulfilling.
However, I’m still playing that online game, and I still go online for 30 minutes to an hour every day. I know it sounds stubborn, but I’m holding on to the faint hope that he might come back someday…
Turning off the lights and lying down in bed, my eyes reflected the faint moonlight coming through the window.
A lot of things happened today. The party at the palace was one thing, but I’m glad I also had a chance to talk with Miyama-san, someone I hadn’t had the chance to speak with very often.
To be honest, until now, there was a part of me that had a hard time understanding the distance between us, if you could call it that.
Just like me, Hina-chan, and Mitsunaga-kun, Miyama-san is someone who was summoned to this other world, and he’s the oldest among us… If I had to put it into words, I would say that my impression of Miyama-san was that he was someone whose thoughts I couldn’t quite grasp.
I guess you could say he was calm at best and indifferent at worst. Despite this being a sudden and extraordinary situation, he somehow seemed composed and unaffected. While he took the initiative to ask questions to Lilia-san and the others, he didn’t share much about himself at all. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but from the beginning, it felt like he was always keeping a distance from us, almost building a wall around himself and treating us coldly as if it was normal. It wasn’t just to Lilia-san and Lunamaria-san, but to all of us… To be honest, I was a little afraid.
However, I’d say that impression has changed quite a bit since today. He shared a lot of the information he had gathered with us and even showed concern for Mitsunaga-kun, whom he rarely spoke to. The expression on his face, which had been calm and composed for so long, had changed in many ways today, and I felt like I was finally starting to see Miyama-san for who he really is.
What stood out the most was the expression on his face when he offered green tea to Hina-chan, who was excited after seeing the rice. The smile on his face, as if he were looking at his own little sister, made me realize that he’s a kind person at heart.
And when he saw Hina-chan sulking because she couldn’t keep up with the game talk, he patiently taught her various things with a wry smile on his face, as if he was troubled. It reminded me of that person.
Maybe the reason why he had seemed so cold until now was because, even though Miyama-san was also confused by all the things he had gotten involved in, he purposely kept his distance so that we wouldn’t feel uneasy looking at him. That’s how different my impression of Miyama-san today was from the past.
At the very least, the Miyama-san of today seemed like a senior we could rely on… I felt sorry for having been afraid of him because of my own imagination.
Maybe it’s a bad habit of mine to overthink things and be wary of them. In fact, Miyama-san and I were talking about the online game, and our conversation was much easier than I had imagined. I realized how simple it is to talk to him. I guess you can’t truly understand a person until you try talking to them face-to-face.
I’m not sure if I’m being too extreme or just naive, but my impression of Miyama-san has definitely changed for the better after having such a long conversation with him today.
As I was about to lower my eyelids, letting the drowsiness engulf my consciousness, I suddenly remembered him again.
[…”Ciel-san.”]
My first love, whose real name and face I know nothing about. The time I spent with that person remains a cherished memory, one that will stay with me forever. The equipment and items he left behind are still untouched, carefully stored in the online game’s warehouse, waiting for the day he comes back…
Even so, three years have already passed, and I should have been forgetting about him more and more as time went on… but what made me think about that person again today?
Is it because it’s been a while since I talked about the online game? No, that’s probably not it.
Ah, I see… It’s because they resemble each other. The way Miyama-san was teaching Hina-chan various things about the game reminded me so much of that person in my memory…
Come to think of it, Ciel-san was four or five years older than me, just like Miyama-san… Didn’t he mention that he based his username on his real name?
Miyama Kaito—”Kai” for enjoyment and “to” for human… I think “kai” could also mean shell, right? Wait, shell…? Ciel?
[Fufufu.]
As expected, wouldn’t it be too convenient if that really were the case? Still, I feel like I’m going to have a good dream tonight.
A self-mocking smile slipped from my lips, and I could feel a warm embrace surrounding me as my consciousness slowly drifted into slumber.