Have you ever felt unhappy in your life? If you asked me, the only answer I could give is, “I don’t know.”
When did it begin? I’ve come to find more comfort in experiencing both joy and sorrow at once, rather than simply seeking happiness. I no longer dwell on what might have happened if I had made different choices. Instead, I’ve come to see the past as something inevitable, something that just had to unfold the way it did.
I’m neither particularly wealthy nor poor. I was born into an ordinary family and had a fairly typical childhood. I remember spending a lot of time playing outside when I was in elementary school. While I wouldn’t say I had a ton of friends, I had a few I could call that.
If I had to summarize my life, an A4 sheet of paper would suffice. It’s that simple, unremarkable, and unchanged. The biggest event in my life was when my parents suddenly passed away when I was 12.
It wasn’t like one of those TV dramas where parents are battling incurable illnesses or get caught up in major incidents. In Japan alone, there are hundreds of thousands of traffic accidents every year, and my parents were just unlucky enough to be involved in one.
We were on our way back from a family trip when a pile-up occurred on the expressway. Our small car got caught between a large vehicle and a truck, and it was crushed. My parents were gone in an instant, and I somehow survived with a minor injury, a laceration from my ear to my neck.
In the wake of that tragedy, having survived when I shouldn’t have, well, I guess you could say I was lucky. I was lucky to live, while my parents were unlucky to die.
That’s just how life and death work. Some people die young no matter how well they take care of their health, while others live long lives despite smoking and drinking heavily.
I never saw my parents’ deaths as something unfair, nor did I consider myself a tragic figure. In fact, the relatives who took me in treated me well, and I had no complaints about my daily life.
But over time, I started to reflect on it more. I began to think that luck, both good and bad, is like two sides of the same coin. You can’t always be lucky, and there’s no such thing as a life entirely filled with misfortune. If you’re fortunate in one aspect, a reasonable amount of misfortune will balance it out.
No coin shows just one side forever. If I was lucky enough to survive, would I eventually face the other side of that coin? Or perhaps, was my parents’ death actually the flip side of my miraculous survival?
What happened when I started thinking this way? I think, at first, I tried to escape.
I imagined that “riajuus,” those people living fulfilling lives, must be happy, surrounded by a wide range of relationships with friends, lovers, and family. But if that’s true, then they must also be prepared for an equal amount of unhappiness to come their way.
A life filled only with happiness seems unsettling. It’s hard to feel secure when there’s no balance between good and bad events.
So, I ran away. I turned to games and books, seeking temporary fulfillment, a way to escape from the weight of those thoughts.
In college, I learned to blend in with my surroundings. I became skilled at being unremarkable, naturally distant, and comfortable with solitude. I didn’t need a dramatic life. I was content with my days being simple and unchanging, playing the role of a background character.
So when I found myself in another world, I was relieved not to be the Hero, nor did I have any special powers. I thought I could remain ordinary here too, and that everything would be fine…
But now, looking back, I realize… all this time, I’ve just been making excuses for myself.
“I loved my parents. I really loved my kind mother and my wonderful father.”
…No, I didn’t.
“I was so happy to go on this trip with my family. I thought we would have more moments like this in the future.”
……I never thought like that.
“I cried out, blaming God, asking why I was the only one who survived, why he didn’t let me die with my parents, who I loved so much.”
………That’s not it.
“I’m scared. All I can think about is that if I get close to someone, if I form a bond, I’ll lose everything again.”
…………That’s not it either.
“I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted friends, a lover. I envied those with families. But I was too scared to reach out to anyone, so I kept running away, making excuses to stay alone.”
……………I never thought like that.
“I’m afraid of losing them. I’m afraid of getting what I want. But I can’t give up, so I’ve gotten used to keeping my distance from others. I stay just far enough away, saying only what’s necessary, so people won’t hate me, but won’t get too close either.”
No, that’s not right.
“My heart has been trapped in the accident from that day, leaving me stuck as a child, trembling and unable to move forward. I want to love others, but I can’t bring myself to get close to them. So, please, reach out your hand and help me gather the shattered pieces of my heart, because even I don’t know who I am anymore.”
No, that’s not it!
“I had hopes. When I was summoned as a Hero, I thought maybe I could be special, and that if I was special, someone would reach out to me. But in the end, even in this new world, I’m not special. I’m just a loner, with no friends or connections. Even here, in a different world, I’ve never been able to change.”
……………
“The truth is, I was scared. The unfamiliar world, my circumstances, the people I didn’t know… that’s why I stayed calm. I forced myself to suppress my anxiety. If they saw me as a pathetic adult, Kusunoki-san or Yuzuki-san might abandon me. If they thought I was a burden, Lilia-san or Lunamaria-san might turn their backs on me.”
…………
“I’m doing my best too! I keep lying to myself, pretending to be what others want me to be! Why? Why is it only me who faces all these misfortunes? I didn’t ask to live in a residence that’s off-limits to men! I didn’t ask to go out on my first day in this world! I didn’t ask to be summoned by the king’s sister, Lilia-san!”
………
“I just wanted someone by my side… I just wanted someone to tell me it’s okay to be uncertain… I just wanted someone to offer a hand filled with kindness to me…”
……
This was likely a cry that had always been buried deep within my heart. No one noticed it, and I hardly knew it myself. This selfish desire, a childlike longing, hidden from others and even from myself.
Somewhere along the way, I built it, this wall in my heart, tall enough to hide behind. A cage to shelter my weakness, a shield to protect my fearful self…
—Look, didn’t I tell you before? If you’re in a predicament, I can help you.
No one should have noticed. There was no way anyone could. That’s what I believed…
—For that reason, it’s okay for you to be empty for now.
However, before I knew it, she appeared.
—I will teach you! Things you don’t know, sights you’ve never seen, this world itself!
She stepped into the depths of my heart as if it were the most natural thing, as if there had never been a wall to begin with.
—Where you—are the protagonist of this story!
And then, as if it were natural, she reached out her hand to the crouching me.
—Mhmm, I’d rather you continue to talk to me like you usually do.
At times, she would push me around like a friend does…
—I think it’s really admirable how naturally you can do that.
Other times, she would encourage me like a lover does…
—It’s alright. I’ll be here with you…
And at moments, she would be like a mother, offering me the words I longed to hear.
It felt as though she knew everything about me. She was loud, warm, innocent, and kind… Always giving me the smile I needed most.
With understanding, she embraced my uncertain thoughts, picking up the shattered pieces of my heart and gently placing them back together.
Ah, I see… So that’s it. I may have finally figured it out. The thing I wanted, the thing that I’ve always been looking for—
My consciousness gradually stirs from a peaceful slumber. As soon as I open my eyes, I find a pair of gentle eyes gazing at me.
[…Kuro?] [Good morning, Kaito-kun.] [Good morning…How long was I asleep?] [About an hour, I think.] [I see.]
I sit up slowly, noticing something strange. I feel light, as if some weight that had been pressing on me has lifted.
[You look a bit more refreshed now.] […Ah, yeah. How should I put it…]
I honestly didn’t have a clear answer to what I wanted to do or what I hoped would happen. I just knew I couldn’t keep staying where I was, frozen in place.
[I think I want to try my best at various things again.] [I see… Well, I’ll be rooting for you. Do your best, Kaito-kun!] [Yeah, thanks.]
I still don’t know much about this world or myself, but things have changed. It’s time for me to start moving forward too.
Yeah, let’s begin with self-discovery, or whatever it’s called. I’m a little nervous and scared, but I think it’ll be okay. I’ve found the courage to take the first step. Just like Kuro said, it’s time to start again, here, in this world.
The thing I once closed myself off. The story of the one named Miyama Kaito…
Dropping this chapter off. No chapter on Saturday, will return on monday.
-LazyCat